Moving Thoughts

In the next few days, I will be moving again. This will be my 7th move in the past 2 1/2 years. They say that 7 means good luck. I'm hoping they are right. I have occasionally felt that my moving to Sydney seemed so pointless. But underneath it all, I knew I need to have faith that I will be able to achieve what I have set out to do before going on a journey outside of my comfort zone. Even though my faith waned with each hurdle I am faced. And I have often found myself doubting everything.. other people's intentions.. my aim.. my strength.. myself. But in the end, I am still here.

This time, I can truly feel that I'm moving forward. The journey does not seem so pointless anymore. It seems that things are starting to look up. I believe it will be.

And the World Will Keep on Turning....

I remember keeping a blog before... right around the time when my dad
passed away. I had written there much darker, cynical thoughts than I
didn't even realise, until then, that existed within me. I felt that I
just needed an outlet to help me deal with the loss that I felt. The
blog disappeared, or was deleted when it remained inactive for quite a
while. I guess, it was a sign I was able to cope with everything that
has happened, even though I still feel the loss... everyday... There
were other moments, experiences in my life, through the years, that
masked my grief. I do not wear my loss on my sleeve. But I know, deep
inside, I am not the same anymore.

I know that everyone who has lost someone important in their lives would
agree with me that the feeling of loss and pain will not really leave
you... but you will learn to cope with your life. You will learn to live
with it.

Asleep

I've been having too many flashbacks of late.. the kind that warms your heart and leaves you feeling sad all at the same time. You think about your decisions in the past and how it would affect your own reality. I get all nostalgic and crawl back to my hole.

And then I wake up.. but it's only a matter of time before I fall asleep again.

What I think I need right now is eternal waking.. but that didn't turn out too well in the book.

I must be careful of what I wish for.

The Uncontrollables

I haven't been feeling too good about something lately. But I suppose, it's just the way it is. You don't have an entire control over your own life. Despite being led to believe that we are the master of our destiny.. the captain of our souls.

Sometimes, things have a way of happening... like falling in love.. or friendships fading away... even death. I guess, what we control is how we react to these uncontrollable things. We determine the manner in which we are going to prepare for them. How to accept the uncontrollables in our lives is purely our choice. In saying that, I'll just embrace whatever it is that's going to happen. No fighting against the tide. It may seem like a defeatist attitude.. but most of the time.. it's really not about me. And I just need to deal with it.


P.S. This probably doesn't make any sense.. It's alright.. I don't make sense most of the time anyway..

Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want

The thing is.. I'm not so sure anymore what it is that I want. And I thought that I'm alright... that I will be alright... but I'm having a meltdown right now. Several years after, two countries and a lot of things (or the lack of things) happening in between.. I'm still at the same old spot.

And I'm hating it.

Sleepless in Sydney

I've been trying to sleep for the past 3 hours now. So far, I haven't had any luck yet.. Hence, this blog. I keep on checking my emails as if I'm waiting for something or someone to write to me.. when in fact.. I'm not expecting anything to appear on my inbox. Maybe, internet on mobile is a bad thing after all for I am losing sleep over it now.

I now hear strange voices outside my window... Or are they just in my head?!

UP FIGHT!!!

School spirit always run high around this time of the year. Watching UP basketball games (even though our varsity team admittedly sucks! well.. during my time that is..) would be our regular weekend activity. We never get tired of watching our team... we would always say... "win or lose.. it's the school we choose!" We braved the rains, the floods, the manong scalpers, the heat, the dilapidated stadiums just to see our team being marooned by others. We used to be regulars that we knew who were the ones who regularly watch the games. We never get tired of cheering (or yelling insults at our own varsity team if they really sucked.. i'm just kidding..) for our team. It must be the infectious drum beats or the pride that we feel whenever we get to cheer "UP FIGHT".

"Matatapang... matatalino....

Walang takot... kahit kanino..."

Admittedly, it is because of the UAAP games that I know UP Naming Mahal by heart. We get to sing the (abridged version) school hymn even if we lose.

When I heard that my friends went to Araneta Coliseum at friggin' 6 in the morning just to get tickets for the cheerdance competition, I missed the crazy UAAP addict that I was. I missed how I get so excited with every game, not minding the almost nil chance of winning. I missed how the drum beats and all the cheering made me feel alive.... made me feel that I belong...

Maybe that's the whole reason why I kept going to the games (except now, not only do I need to brave the rain, flood and heat.. I also need to take an expensive 8hr plane ride just to be able to watch the games live). Because, in those two hours, I feel that I am truly a part of something. I belong.

PS. Just saw clips of the 2009 Cheerdancing competition... I loved UP's routine. From the Ikot Jeep to Yano's State U and Sugarfree's Hari ng Sablay. However, I do not get FEU's eagle routines and pose off... from memory... they're the FEU Tamaraws... did they change their school mascot to a fowl?